Dear Georgetown Community,

I hope you are all faring well. I am reaching out today to open up a dialogue on a topic I have long struggled with but feel is necessary to insert into the university’s discourse— my hatred of the troops. Below is a five-point explanation (and one supplemental factor) for my hatred of the troops. In times like these, I believe it is of great importance to be open with one another, so here it is, full disclosure:

First, I hate the troops because a lot of them are bullies. They say mean things. If I had a penny for every time one of them called me “lanky mustache man,” I’d have exactly 37 cents.

Second, I hate the troops because they won’t let me play basketball with them at the YMCA.

Third, I hate the troops because I developed a sense of humor long after most of my peers, and this developmental delay may not seem to have anything to do with the troops, but if you put an anti-social third grader wearing camouflage cargo shorts in a room with a bunch of other third graders, take away his sense of humor, and have everyone yell “he has no pants on!” and “where’d your shorts go?” at him, I promise it will be a traumatic experience. Trust me. I know. To this day, the sight of camouflage still reminds me of this painful memory.

Fourth, I hate the troops because a lot of them are greedy.  ROTC kids are always hogging the squat rack when I’m trying to get my morning pump in at Yates.

Fifth, I hate the troops because my wife watches all those hunky army guy TV shows, and I know as well as you that I can never measure up to Dennis Haysbert (who also happens to be the Allstate guy). This feeling of inadequacy is exacerbated by the fact that I cannot access the Yates squat rack.

In short, I guess I just hate the troops because sometimes, late at night, I wish I was them. This concludes my five-point explanation. There is, however, one complicating factor:

I do not like the way the troops treated my grandfather during the Korean War. He fought nobly for North Korea and did not deserve the treatment he received.

I release this statement because I believe it is more important than ever for us to be honest with each other. We will get through these troubling times together. Except the troops. They’re on their own for this one.

Sincerely,

Provost Bob Groves