TAMPA, FL–It was a cold Friday morning on October 30, when Biden staffers gathered around a rose gold MacBook Air covered with cheap campaign stickers to see the first sets of numbers after a successful rally in Tampa Bay, FL. The numbers from FOX News and CNN were predictable; Quinnipiac and Susquehanna University had similarly modest figures; even the SurveyMonkey polls showed some interesting shifts in different directions.

But, these tired, overworked, and nervous staffers weren’t looking for the soft stuff–with baited breath they awaited the coveted NBC/WSJ Poll.

Refreshing Nate Silver’s aesthetically pleasing aggregate poll website over and over and over again, one staffer commented, “I’ve already shit myself twice. Give me a fucking break,” which was not relevant to the question posed: “What do you think the poll’s gonna say?” but it has been included anyway to highlight the intensity of the moment.

A few more clicks and–home run! There, in 4K, were the results these hardworking Florida Democrats had been waiting for: Biden up by four lifeguards in an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini. 

Leaned against the post of one of those towers you see in Baywatch, the former Vice President and Democratic Presidential Nominee had one hand on his hip and the other playing with his hair while four handsome, male lifeguards–one of whom was an undead crotch-chopping Ross Perot–were aggressively flirting with him, offering to take him out to a drive-in movie or to Benny’s Diner for a “malt and soda.”

“Say there, sweetheart,” announced Freddie Barlough, son of Milltown High Principal Judd Barlough, “why not take a spin in my Mustang? I’ll let you drive it all the way to Fanzone’s where we can do the jitterbug and listen to the new Buddy Holly record!”

Playing coy as always, the Vice President just covered his mouth and giggled.

“Oh, c’mon, dollface, don’t be such a wet rag about it!” said undead Ross Perot. “Now, tell us–what’s crack-a-lackin with friggy-fracking?”

Giggling again, Biden rebuked, “Hehehe. Sorry, Daddy-O, that’s capital C, CON-FI-DEN-TIAL.”

The full NBC/WSJ report included other favorable figures: Senator Harris in a mech suit, President Obama in a “Starry Night” onesie, and, most interestingly, Senator Sanders in a very revealing crop top.

When asked, pollster Nate Silver claimed, “this one…is a game-changer.”