Needed: Personal Body Guard, at least 6’1”, lots of muscles [think Shemar Moore]. Must be on call 11 am to 9pm to escort me to and from my Vil A. Mask required at all times. Required to be able to combat Tae Kwon Doe or run with me on your back.

Who am I: My name is Denise Haverdy, I’m a Sophomore in the College studying Sociology and I’m an active member of Blue & Grey. Even though my family makes a shit tonne of money, I am still on campus and love to travel to Burlieth to go to B Frat parties. This has been largely interrupted by the constant menace of Provost Groves outside my door. He appeared out of nowhere five seconds after the survey closed, got  down on all fours and started hissing. I knew what this was about. What else does Provost Grooves do other than berate children about surveys? I hadn’t filled it out, and this was his final threat.

I cannot escape the constant hissing that emanates from his wet mouth. My headphones can’t block out the noise and neither can Down by Jay Sean which I have not stopped playing since the incident. It is as if his moustache acts as a natural amplifier to sound. I tried filling out the survey late, feeding him food, and even spraying him with Raid®. Nothing has shaken his human statue-esque composure. I haven’t left my apartment in days. I am running out of pre-packaged Leo’s food. I need the threat of SNAPS  sending me to the depths of hell to be real again. This is a matter of life or death. He might give me rabies if I leave on my own.