PORTLAND—Jeanette Applebaum stands proudly in her open-concept, minimalist kitchen. Seven years ago, she underwent a controversial procedure to edit her son’s genome. 

“Genetically editing the embryo of my beautiful baby boy was the best decision I’ve made in my life….And I’m paleo!” Applebaum flew to China to take advantage of the two weeks Dr. Jiankui had before he was sentenced to two years’ prison time for doing a similar procedure that enraged the worldwide scientific community.  Jiankui had previously gained notoriety when he used CRISPR on twin embryos to genetically confer immunity to HIV, only this time, CRISPR genetically added a disease—Celiac. 

Applebaum won’t show the Heckler her “84 month old” for privacy reasons, but I could hear Hunter in the other room playing what sounded like a particularly slur-filled Call of Duty match. 

“It’s been a real game-changer for the family. It keeps us accountable for our gluten consumption. It’s simple—if we eat gluten, Hunter has to spend the rest of the day on the Squatty Potty while I prepare his megaloblastic anemia shots. Seeing Hunter in pain really makes me realize how damaging gluten truly is.” 

Hunter, now seven, is a healthy boy. He’s been held back a year in school for tempermental reasons. Jeanette, on the other hand, says the real problem lies with his teacher. “She has a vendetta against our lifestyle.” With a spiked kombucha in one hand, and Hunter’s medication in the other, Jeanette tells me proudly she’ll make Ms. Heather’s life a living Hell. 

A cuckoo clock sounds in the other room, and instantly I hear Hunter screaming. Jeanette excuses herself. “It’s time for Hunter to take his meds.”

When asked if she regrets her choice in any way, Jeanette seemed to get defensive. “Absolutely not. A forced gluten-free lifestyle is much more sustainable than those liberal death propaganda sticks—I mean vaccines—that are injected into our newborns like 50% off Halloween candy at Walgreens.”