HELL — After 5 years of kicking it back Bulldog style in Doggy Heaven, Jack the Bulldog’s (b.2003, d.2015) afterlife was changed forever. Father Sleck, S.J, who has dedicated the past 3 years of his career to examining and overturning cold dog files, came upon Jack’s case this past week. 

“A brave student tipped me on the case. It took 4 DNA samples to prove it, but it sure as H-E-Double Hockey Sticks was worth it.” Sleck told the Heckler. 

“When I saw the positive results I couldn’t believe my eyes. Seven illegitimate children with this M-Street Chihuahua, this hussy? It pains me to tell the Big Guy to send him downstairs, but ensuring the sexual purity of college mascots really is the Lord’s work.”

Father Sleck’s work sending sinful dogs to Hell has not always been so personal. “I never expected it to be one of our own. It was my toughest case for sure.” After finding Jack’s illegitimate children in the four-legged flesh, Sleck prayed to Jesus, who faxed the message to Satan. 

A 7-foot ice casket will be the hellscape Jack must call home for eternity. Forever is not entirely lonesome, however. His neighbors, Beethoven and Toto, will share their presence with Jack in their own individual ice caskets. 

Sleck gave the Heckler a sneak peek at his next case: Bo and Sunny Obama. “It’s never too early to start reviewing files…especially because I’ve been around long enough to know how those damn Portugese Water Dogs operate.”