After Sarah Killem posted a poll with 14 responses on the Free Food on Campus Groupme, she knew exactly what Hoyas needed from her GUSA campaign. 

“The results are loud and clear: 98% of Hoyas would support the death penalty for classmates who wear suits to Zoom class,” Killem, hopeful tsar of the new GUSA Disciplinary Department, explains while wearing a tasteful henley. 

Killem confesses that her approach is based heavily on the execution strategy of the Batista Government following the 1959 Cuban Revolution. 

“In order to streamline the process, we’ve created a bullet-proof [haha] prototype. It’s simple: we line the suit-wearing offenders on the dumpster and rat-infested wall behind White-Gravenor, and have volunteer Hoyas shoot. These volunteer Hoyas each take a gun, so no one knows if they’re the real murderer.” 

Sarah doesn’t forget to note that the firing squad strategy is backed with research from the fifth floor White-Gravenor psychology students. “They reported the process to be 32% better for Hoya mental health than a traditional electric chair, lethal injection, buried alive, or what-have-you.” 

The proposed program gives volunteer Hoya “death squad” members the chance to take their potential guilt and shame associated with murder to CAPS. Free diagnostic sessions will take place following a 2-43 month waiting period.

Sarah sighs. “At the end of the day, we’re family. We stick together. Is there any other explanation necessary? Hoyas want students in suits to die.”