Thanksgiving is upon us and it is time to baste the turkey. All eyes are on you. We all remember what happened last year. Use this guide to avoid the allure of sexualizing the bird and deliver a perfectly platonically basted Turkey to your family’s dining room table!

Step 1: Get the gobbler ready for roasting.It should be brined up and salty, just the way you like it. Bust out the good twine from the cupboard and truss that turkey. Tie its submissive little breasts tight against the neck. Tuck the wings under the bird and wrap that twine around the wings. This thunder chicken isn’t going anywhere. We recommend not stuffing the turkey if you wish for this to remain a chaste holiday.

Step 2: Roast that sucker. Get the oven hot and jam the bird in there. 

Step 3:Go find the baster. It may be in your bathroom cabinet, tucked away behind a stack of books, or hidden in your underwear drawer! Drop a comment below where you keep your baster 🙂

Step 4: Make sure the baster is clean. It’s just common courtesy.

Step 5: Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you can do this. You are a winner. No one remembers what happened last year. That wasn’t you, you just weren’t thinking straight. This is your time to shine. You will not succumb to your carnal urges. It’s just a dead bird. You can do this!

Step 6: Baste the turkey! After 30 minutes, open up the oven and suck up some of that sweet, sweet slobber and lather the rest of the turkey with its own juices… Oh, fuck…

Step 7: [redacted]

Step 8: Shame. Deep, deep shame.

Step 9: Isolate the incident and work towards mending inter-familial relationships. You are not merely what you’ve done, you are so much more. Gaining your family’s trust back will take a lot of honesty, vulnerability, and time. 

Check out our other great holiday tips, tricks, and guides! Like How to Perfectly Wrap A Gift Without Committing Tax-Fraud, 15 Casseroles That Say ‘I’m Sorry I Slept With Your Therapist’, and Trotting Forward: The Next Steps After Fucking the Thanksgiving Turkey In Front Of Your Extended Family