Hey, man! How’s it going? Good? Man, been a crazy year, huh? It’s so good to see you!

Did you ever get around to reading my book, Trite Yet Catchy Precolon: Longer Phrase Using Several Unrelated Buzzwords? I was so thrilled that you decided to buy it! It meant a whole lot to me as your friend. It certainly wasn’t easy becoming a published author, but I’m glad I had the support of great friends like you along the way. With a circle full of hustlers like you, I’ll be a CEO in no time!

Anyway, my career as an author was an amazing experience, but I’m now moving into the next phase of my journey. I’ve started a very exciting new venture, and I was wondering if you might want to come on board. Pay starts at $20 an hour, and you can work whenever you want! You’re basically your own boss! Doesn’t that sound great?

What’s the job? Hmm, seems like you ask a lot of questions. Maybe you wouldn’t be a great fit for my team. But that doesn’t matter. Actually, I just had one question for you, my old, good friend: are you happy with the set of kitchen knives you currently have? You probably just have some cheap hunks of metal from, I don’t know, Target? Well, allow me to step into your living room dressed in a full suit and tie (because I’m a businessman, duh) and change your world forever. See these food scissors? They can cut pennies, dude. Pennies. And, uh, these other knives, they, uh, cut this apple real good, right? Pretty cool stuff, now wanna pay $500?

What’s that? You read about this company and you think it’s a scam? Well, let me tell you from personal experience: it’s only a scam if you don’t know how to hustle. If you aren’t willing to damage your relationships with all of your friends, family, and most distant acquaintances in order to make a sale, then you’re just a lazy bum who’ll get left behind while the entrepreneurs like me are playing with the big boys. In fact, I’m glad I don’t see you much anymore; I don’t need your kind of negativity when I’m out here striving for success.

That said, I do need money and I will cry if you don’t buy my knives, so please please please buy them? Maybe could you buy another copy of my book? Actually, you know what, final offer: I won’t even make you feel bad about not buying my knives, so long as you give me all of the contacts in your phone so I can harass your friends and family. Deal?