Here at SNAPs, we care a lot about our group culture, and with Miss Rona being the buzzkill that she is, we worry some of our members might feel left out. For that reason, we’ve put together a guide! Just because you’re stuck at home doesn’t mean you can’t still participate in our favorite activity— being a narc! Here are some ways you can still fulfill your power fantasy, right from the comfort of your home.
1. Monitor Zoom calls!
Make sure there aren’t people in the background of your classmates’ Zoom windows. If you count more than 8 people in a room, send a Zoom invite to our hacking department, which will join the call, triangulate the perpetrator’s location, and contact the real police with an anonymous tip. Bonus points if the people are unmasked!
2. Defend the sanctity of liquor laws!
Is there a bush near your local liquor store? If so, all you need is a pair of binoculars and a camouflage ghillie suit. Make sure there aren’t any kids trying to acquire alcohol! Underage drinking is highly immoral, so your city council will appreciate you keeping the streets clean.
3. Lock up your home’s cookie jar!
Is your little brother sneaking sweets at night? Get a bike lock, connect it to DUO double-factor authentication, and keep your oatmeal raisin (voted SNAPs’ favorite cookie 12 years in a row) safe.
4. Citizen’s arrests!
Walk around your neighborhood. If you hear noise beyond anyone’s property line, knock on their door and perform a citizen’s arrest. If you do not believe you are physically capable of restraining your subject (let’s be honest here: we all work for SNAPs), bring some sort of taser, ricin, or equivalent.
5. Write for the Caravel!
This one is a last resort and only to be pursued if other options don’t work out. If you can’t narc and don’t feel good about yourself, just go to a Caravel meeting! Kinda like being the tallest dwarf, you will probably be their coolest writer. Regain a taste of power in your weekly routine.
And there it is! With this handy guide, life will feel just like the good ole days of living on campus, back when you had some damn respect!