SPOILER ALERT – Well folks, it finally happened. After years of coordinated social media campaigns, nerd rage has actually accomplished something. Streaming now on HBO Max, you can witness director Zack Snyder’s true, unfiltered vision of what 2017’s Justice League movie should have been, before the studio and Joss Whedon came in and ruined everything. Clocking in at around four hours, this version is almost twice the length of the theatrical cut, prompting all sorts of exciting questions from fans: what new storylines will be present? Will Cyborg actually get a backstory? Will we get to see Darkseid? 

Well, fear not, for I have sat through all four hours of this masterpiece, and I am here to tell you exactly what to expect. 

I’ll be honest, I was initially surprised. The first two hours of Zack Snyder’s Justice League were exactly the same as the theatrical cut. I kept watching, wondering when the plot would diverge, when I would see Snyder’s true vision. And then, before I knew it, Steppenwolf was dead, the world was saved, and the screen went black. Only two hours had passed. Had I clicked on the wrong Justice League?

Then it happened. Over the black screen, I heard a few distant piano chords. Then, Leonard Cohen’s immaculately gravelly voice came in, and it all began to make sense:

I heard there was a secret chord

That David played, and it pleased the Lord

But you don’t really care for music, do you?

Fading into view, in high-contrast black and white, were Henry Cavill’s Superman and Jason Momoa’s Aquaman, standing amid the wreckage of the final fight. Neither spoke; they were saying all that needed to be said with their eyes. Aquaman smoldered. Superman placed his hand gently on Aquaman’s chest. Then, they kissed.

Yes, they kissed for two hours. It was magical. The entire scene was filmed in one take. I can’t explain it, but watching two hours of Momoa and Cavill kissing in black-and-white while Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” plays on a loop made the whole movie come together. What was once a sloppy, misguided mess is now a cinematic masterpiece, the be-all and end-all definitive superhero movie, perfecting the genre and rendering all future Marvel and DC movies obsolete. Maybe that was why DC didn’t want to release this version – it was so perfect, it would put them out of business. 

The scene was tender and innocent, with Superman’s Boy Scout personality disarming the at first gruff and brooding Aquaman. I thought about my first kiss, about God, about whether humans are capable of loving the way God does – or, a better question, whether God is capable of loving the way humans do. I cried. More than once. At one point Batman wandered into the background and just stared at the intertwined couple for ten minutes, then left without saying a word. It was breathtaking. 

I could keep going, but you should see it for yourself. Let this be a lesson for everyone: always give angry nerds whatever they want, because you’ll end up with two of the world’s premier Grade-A beefcakes making out while an old man sings about God, or orgasms, or something. 

Rating: 11/10