The distress call came in at 11:47pm. An attempted robbery on Prospect and 36th.  GUPD officers Gump and Gumbo blitzed to the scene at a leisurely pace. The crime was still unfolding as they arrived—a masked assailant attempting to wrest a handbag from a panicked student.  “Woah woah woah, hold it right there mister,” officer […]

Damini Ogulu (COL’24) was quick to recognize something was off when he received an out-of-the-blue phone call from an “Officer James from GUPD.” “What threw me off initially was the concern and empathy in his voice,” Ogulu told The Heckler. “And then when he told me that they’d detained the intruder who had passed through […]

Russian President Vladimir Putin shocked the world Wednesday when he suddenly and inexplicably recalled Russian troops from two separatist enclaves in Ukraine’s eastern frontier only days after deploying them. The move baffled policy makers and analysts, who expected an imminent, full-scale invasion of the country. Those who sought an explanation for the retreat were left […]

Georgetown University took almost an hour to inform students of a shooting incident just blocks from campus. Why the delay? We put the question to the school’s administrative bigwigs, and this is what they said. DeGioia: “I just get a little antsy about acting on our own, you know? Like—when should we inform students about […]

AN OPEN LETTER FROM PRESIDENT JOHN J. DEGIOIA TO THE GEORGETOWN COMMUNITY: Hear ye, hear ye, you fucking runts!  We know what you’re up to. You don’t think we catch you entitled little shits smuggling water bottles into Lau? We see everything. More specifically, our underpaid and overworked security guards see everything. How dare you […]

Greetings, reader! In this piece, we’re going to tell you a bit about Robert Groves’ careerrrrrrrrgbigrrtgedeinf— Oh man, sorry—I dozed off there for a second. Where were we?  Oh, right! The illustrious career of Robert Grovessssssssfdfeeffdfddddfdffeeeeeffffeffferrr— Huh…? Oh, my goodness! I’m so sorry for snoozing. This topic is just so uninteresting; it’s hard to keep […]

In a bid to enhance the customer experience, several national retail chains have programmed their self-checkout counters to blare suggestive, condom-related quips every time a man tries to buy a jimmy.  “Everything’s robots nowadays, you know?” CVS CEO Karen Lynch said during an interview with The Heckler in that one aisle of the store with […]

A couple of weeks ago, “Seaspiracy” took Netflix by storm. The sleek new documentary about the policies and practices destroying the world’s seas had all of the hallmarks of a commercial documentary success: Raw, secret footage! A British host! Controversy and corruption! Simplistic solutions for complex issues! For many, the documentary’s revelatory power was just […]

The COVID-19 pandemic has taken a heavy toll on the country’s artistic community. Shuttered venues and taped-off galleries have deprived artists and consumers alike of the joys of intimate, in-person artistic experiences.  Last week, the pandemic claimed its latest victim in the artistic world, forcing the cancellation of a long-awaited Georgetown University exhibition showcasing Lauinger […]