SOUP LOVERS BEWARE: Soup is, indeed, after much deliberation, gross. The Heckler advises you to stay away until further notice. The age-old debate of “Soup or Salad” has long weighed heavy on the common man. Whether it be miso, chicken, or minestrone, soup is a wet sloppy mess that should only be enjoyed by those without teeth. Clam chowder, with its world-renowned chunks of hunky vegetables mixed in with literal ocean sludge, will never be a better choice than a nice snappy salad, and pouring slop from a can into a pot will never beat a nice red cabbage medley. Soup’s just a juicy drippy sloppy wet mess in a big bowl. Eat it you baby. Eat your sloppy juicy mess in your big baby bowl if you can’t handle the nice crisp snap of iceberg lettuce. The tides of war are changing, and soup is dripping slowly into hell where it belongs. 

Disclaimer: The Heckler receives an undisclosed annual contribution from a political action committee under the name “Always Pick Salad Incorporated LLC” whose stated purpose is, “To encourage general consumption of salad over wet, viscous, sloppy, or juicy alternatives.” These views in no way reflect the views of the Heckler, nor do they indicate the opposite. All rights reserved. All hail salad.