Hey, The Hoya. Listen, champ, why don’t you have a seat? I know you don’t really want to talk to me, but I talked with your mother and she thinks it’s important that we have a talk. Or, how about we get out the baseball gloves and have a catch? No? OK then, we can just talk.

Now, I know this must be very strange for you. Your dad left, and now your mom’s married this random guy, right? You probably just don’t even want to deal with adults now, you just want to go to your room and write those editorial columns you like so much. I get it. In fact, I was once in your shoes – did you know that? Yeah, my parents divorced too. So, believe me when I say, I know how it feels. And that’s why I don’t want you to do anything that you’re uncomfortable with. Just because I’m the one that’s blowing out your mother’s back every night now, that doesn’t mean that you have to call me “Dad.” In fact, you can just call me by my first name – Heckler. That’s what I want you to think of me as – a friend, not a parent. And I know you’re not there yet, but I hope someday you will be. 

The bottom line is this: I know this is a hard time for you. I know I’ll never be your “real Dad.” But, now that I’ve married your mother, The Hoya, I hope that someday, we can be a family.

So, how about that catch now, huh?