Greetings, reader!

In this piece, we’re going to tell you a bit about Robert Groves’ careerrrrrrrrgbigrrtgedeinf—

Oh man, sorry—I dozed off there for a second. Where were we? 

Oh, right! The illustrious career of Robert Grovessssssssfdfeeffdfddddfdffeeeeeffffeffferrr—

Huh…? Oh, my goodness! I’m so sorry for snoozing. This topic is just so uninteresting; it’s hard to keep my eyes open! 

Let me just clean that drool off my keyboard. Leeettt’s see, just scrub that off right theeere, annnddd, we’re good. Right—time to buckle down. 

Robert Groves recently informed the Heckler—he keeps on emailing us unprompted; it’s a bit strange—that he used to work for the United States Census Bureau. We didn’t fully process what he had told us because his message, as if it were a spell, instantly put everyone in our office to sleep. 

After awakening from our stupor, we read the message again. 

“The census, huh?” YAWN! “Pretty cool, I guess?” 

Unsurprisingly, the provost followed up the following morning. 

“I feel like I should clarify: I actually directed the census. Pretty nifty, right? Please respond.” 

We didn’t respond.