Ferdinand Magellan, Neil Armstrong, Frodo Baggins – all of these bold adventurers of old pale in comparison to Jake, your next-door neighbor. He sashays barefoot through the diverse ecosystem that is your floor’s communal bathroom, with no regard for his own safety or health. Such brazen defiance is not without consequences, as the entirety of the modern medical community has come to the conclusion that Jake is, in fact, “the original patient zero.” Coronavirus, malaria, dysentery, the plague, all the way down to erectile dysfunction – it all comes back to Jake. Steven Conrad, head of the janitorial team for Georgetown, told The Heckler that “that kid Jake honestly terrifies me. Have you stared at a dorm bathroom floor recently? I wouldn’t even go in there wearing shorts.” Our fact-finding team would have to agree. One Heckler investigator reported sightings of fungi, mold, needles, a spare tire, and a substance they referred to only as “gunk.” Cultures taken from one shower floor were so toxic they began to develop their own incel subcultures. 

Jake has been placed under intense study so scientists can discern how it is possible that he’s still on his feet. So far, one possible theory is that he has developed a special resilience resulting from his diet of Monster Energy drinks and gas station hot dogs, while another, more controversial, theory posits that he may be a god. Many academics believe Jake provides a missing link in our understanding of the human body, and that his veritable treasure trove of diseases has transformed him into a perverse anti-fountain of life. We’ll keep you updated on his condition; in the meantime, the Heckler will be selling special grip stilts for all your bathroom (and circus) needs – enquire through email to place your order today!