THE FOURTH PLAIN OF SORROWS — I recently had the privilege of interviewing Georgetown’s first-ever extradimensional student (unless my ex finally admits that she’s a malicious entity inhabiting a human body, Emma). As Georgetown’s premier news publication, The Heckler was summoned to a location beyond spacetime itself to cover a very pressing matter. Here’s how that went:

Me: “State your full name into the mic please.”

Being: “My full name would take up more matter than exists in your entire universe, but my human friends call me Brad.”

Me: “Of course they do. Anyways, Brad, you’re an extradimensional being, so, could you please tell me when we are?”

Brad: “You’re not funny.”

Me: “Apologies. You brought us here so we could cover an issue between you and – let’s see if I’m getting this right – The Corp?”

Brad: “Yeah. I found out that they openly discriminate against ninth-dimension nonlinear constructs such as myself.”

Me: “Discrimination? How so?”

Brad: “It’s literally in the name. In all of the fine print on their documents, The Corp is named as The Corporeal. I guess you people never read it because you can’t stop time at will, but it sickens me. Oh yeah, they also told me to ‘go back to my dimension.’ Honestly, I might transfer…”

Me: “On the subject of transferring, how did you get into Georgetown? Do they have admission tests here?”

Brad: “Who gives a shit? My dad artificially aged every text in Riggs. You should’ve seen the look on Carroll’s face. Did you know that half of the books are just The Lorax but backward and in Ancient Greek?”

Me: “Wow. Your father must be very influential.”

Brad: “I guess so. He’s kind of like what you would call a comptroller.”

Me: “That doesn’t help at all.”

Brad: “Whatever dude. None of it matters because Georgetown gets swallowed by hellfire in two years.”

Me: “Wait what?”

Brad: “Yeah, I looked ahead. Tough break. You’re all sinners and nobody makes it out except DeGioia on a supercharged Lime scooter that he keeps in the tunnels.”