When Samuel Clemens (COL ‘23) announced that he was declaring a major in English in the spring of last year, everyone was too distracted by the pandemic, and unaware that they were still actually in college, to do anything. Now that he is back on campus, the junior is facing more problems than he anticipated. 

Last weekend, Mr. and Mrs. Clemens visited Sam for the weekend. This was when they not-so-subtly asked to see Hariri, and then Regents. Samuel gave them a tour of his Henle instead, emphasizing the modern art poster and the copy of Mary Oliver’s Wild Geese laying out on the standardized kitchen table, a conversation starter in waiting. Ignoring these, Mr. and Mrs. Clemens were pleased to see Sam’s freshman year roommate, John Maynard (MSB ‘23). The three reportedly had a conversation about Maynard’s International Trade class before Sam interrupted them to talk about his personal interpretation of The Sun Also Rises. 

After Maynard took Mr. and Mrs. Clemens (and Sam, begrudgingly) on a tour of Hariri, the four went out for a dinner on Wisconsin. Maynard was happy to talk about the paid internship he has set up for spring semester, while Sam ordered chicken nuggets and french fries while noting that the menu contained a sentence ending with a preposition. 

After the fourth time Mr. Clemens remarked on how proud Maynard’s father must be, Sam sat down his chicken nugget to announce, “I’m actually considering law school.” 

Maynard reportedly sat in stunned silence as Mr. and Mrs. Clemens congratulated their son enthusiastically, remarking on the many successful family friends they knew in the law field (and, of course, drunk Uncle Tony who graduated with nothing but an English degree almost two decades ago, Samuel). 

Allegedly, Sam has told the rest of his roommates of his purported plan for law school, as well as every girl he has spoken to at Vil A. Although he has no real intention of pursuing law school, he has noticed a considerable uptick in social status since saying so, and has applied to be on the moot court team, despite not knowing what that is.