What makes a newspaper suck? A new scholarly initiative into the field of “Philosophy of Journalism” is providing new insight into this age-old question.

Specifically, a recent archaeological discovery that the famous “Ship of Theseus” was not a Greek trireme, but rather a small, highly-maneuverable Portuguese caravel, has prompted McCourt school professor Ottoman J. Palestine, Esq. to ask the intrepid question: “wasn’t there a Caravel newspaper or something at Georgetown? It got shut down though, right?” Palestine, Esq., who was named faculty director of the Caravel in 2018, reported to the Heckler that he had been unable to discern if the publication was still in circulation after its alleged GPB ban in 2020.

Nevertheless, Professor Palestine has continued his research on the matter: “What makes the story of the Caravel so perplexing is that it is a perfect juxtaposition of the Hoya and the Georgetown Journal of International Affairs, two successful undergraduate publications. Yet, the Caravel has seemed to have taken the worst parts from these two sources and blended them together into a perfect storm of irrelevance.”

Perhaps the only solution for the struggling newspaper may be to take a page out of the wise Theseus’s book: fire all their writers. While critics bring up the point that it may not be possible to find twenty more students who would choose to write more than they have to already for GOVT-060, these dire straits call for bold executive leadership.

 The move is ultimately a prayer that replacing all of the components of the publication will somehow make the Georgetown student body choose to actively seek the opinions of IPOL majors. But ultimately, what more do we Catholic men and women of faith have, than our prayers? Thus, go forth dearest Caravel, leave the Old World of writers behind!