What gives? I walk into Vital Vittles for exactly what it’s for – vital vittles – and you say to me that you DON’T have the newest 3-speed super suction Fleshlight®, and that you want me to leave the grounds immediately, and that it’s the fifteenth night in a row I’ve accosted the cashier and you’ll call GUPD? You people are running a scam operation. Sure, you can help some hungry student, but what about someone’s carnal needs?

It’s not like I’m asking for the 12-speed heated ultra-grip VR-compatible Pro model with built-in semen tray and audio system, even though somebody here would definitely want that. I don’t know who that pervert would be, but they probably want one really bad. Actually, maybe you should just put that one in stock so that sick fuck can buy it, you know? It’s kind of your job to provide for students. This guy’s gross though. Well, actually I guess it’s not really our business to judge him. Yeah, I think you should put it in stock. And you better do it soon before that weirdo goes off the rails and begins confronting you in your store or something.