America’s most notorious have a taste for undergraduate blood. 

Studies show that the odds of surviving a kidnapping decrease by 90% once a victim is taken to a second location, and these odds get even worse when a TA is waiting there. Everyone’s heard the words, “come to office hours.” They’re an omen, a careful mousetrap to get you where they want you, to a lair even a blacklight wouldn’t dare venture into. 

Here is a live account from an anonymous Georgetown student, who briefly spent time on GUPD’s missing persons list, and managed to escape from [redacted] against all odds:

“When I went to [redacted]’s office hours, the walls were covered with scratched-in drawings of faceless students, facing him like he was giving them a lecture. Every direction I turned, just his first name was written over and over again, like he needed a reminder.”

She shivers, eyes haunted. 

“He said his friend wanted my number, but then slipped me a contract to sign. He panicked and said his friend was actually the professor when I pointed out that the contract was titled ‘Consent to Revoke TA-Student Relationship Ban’. When I said I had to leave to get to class, he asked if I wanted any candy for the road and gave me an unwrapped raisin.”

Never let a TA lure you to a second location, no matter how much they gesture with their t-rex arms as they wax on about “extra credit” or “how your paper could’ve been written by a kindergartener, did your alphabet soup write this for you, you illiterate baby?” Do whatever you have to do to escape: scream, vomit, pee your pants, yell out “student loans.” Just don’t email them; they definitely won’t respond to that.