GUSA MEETING – “Hear ye, students! Thy votes shall be tallied hence and brought forth by the arbiter!” Sophomore representative Michael Parker pushed forward his agenda today, announcing the 17th referendum on his new GUSA initiative. Aptly titled The Yorick Bill, Parker’s bill allocates additional funding to the various hiring departments at Georgetown to allow all new employees to legally change their first name to Yorick. While initially, the referendum votes did not go in Parker’s favor, receiving only 1-3% of the student vote in favor, more recent referendum votes have also not gone in Parker’s favor, receiving roughly 4% of the student vote in favor. Still, Parker insists on promoting his ideas, posting flyers around campus with nothing but his slogan, “It’s a cool name,” on the front. 

Parker’s ideas have struggled to take hold on campus, but some ardent supporters claim they may be able to swing the tides of what they call an “existential battle.” Peter Slimsbury, a self-described “anti-member of IRC” and a College junior, claimed that, “Georgetown students don’t understand how cool this could be. Try saying it, Yorick. Yorick. Thanks Professor Yorick. Say it.” Slimsbury cut the interview short, it appeared, and began harassing students in Red Square, demanding they say Yorick. One passing non-English tour group stopped to comment, “听起来很酷.” 

Despite this scattered support, projections for the 18th referendum look bleak. Parker is expected to only receive 3% of the student vote in favor, as his buddy Jake is going home this weekend to play lacrosse on his high school field in order to “run into” his old coach and show off his moves. Contrary to student opinion, however, almost 70% of faculty are in support of the initiative. Over 80% of faculty members have at least a “positive” opinion of Parker and almost 45% have “adopted Parker as a god in their pantheon.” Still, without student support, the bill seems unlikely to pass.