It was insane. One minute Ryan (my roommate, Ryan Nurble, MSB ‘25) was passed out, unresponsive even to the Burnett’s I wafted under his nose and the kick I gave him to the balls. The next minute, he was awake, coherent, and in a great mood! Claire, Peyton, and Maddie, if you’re reading this, I can’t thank you enough, you saved my guy Ryan’s life, ladies. 

I reached out to Ryan himself to see if he wanted to comment on his Halloween resurrection. “Holy shit man, I’m still thinking about it. Henleween was a movie. Those sexy nurses were incredible. I mean one minute I’m wasted, sloshed, 6ft under, and the next thing I know, I smell Bath and Body Works Warm Vanilla Sugar body spray and see a hot blonde holding a toy stethoscope to my abs. I’ve never sobered up so fast in my life.” 

I also reached out to a GERMS spokesperson, Maggie Thompson (COL ‘23) to see how GERMS felt about their competition last Saturday. “Well, it’s important to note that not only were the ‘sexy nurses’ not GERMS employees, but also, as people, they completely lack any sort of basic medical training or know-how. Frankly, the fact that Ryan is alive is unbelievable.” Her level of anger regarding the incident led me to ask how she personally felt about it. “I mean, I don’t like care, or anything, but it’s just that it’s kind of annoying? I applied to do this and did a ton of training and all they had to do was throw on a Party City costume and call it a day.” 

GERM’s president asked me to add the following to my coverage of last Saturday: “Please tell students to stop calling GERMS and asking for the ‘sexy nurses’. They are not employed with us and our phone operators are working overtime to field off requests for them. Also, some of us at GERMS are very sexy, and we don’t like the whole ‘us and them’ classification, thank you very much.”