Have you ever sat down and thought to yourself – hm, the world has a little too much peace! Have you been nodding in agreement at the recent uptick in students discussing how to best militarize the Arctic, or praising Vladimir Putin, or strolling through Leo’s flanked by bodyguards? Do you long for the good old days of Genghis Khan and Atilla the Hun? Do you wonder how to best cash in on the hottest new fashion trends, like bayonet scars, blindingly shiny epaulettes, patches from foreign mercenary organizations, and a truly absurd number of unearned military medals? Was your high school yearbook quote “the strong do what they can, and the weak suffer what they must?”
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you might be the perfect transfer candidate for Georgetown University’s newest program, the School of Foreign Malice!
The School of Foreign Malice is an innovative new program that does what no other foreign relations program has done before: it promises not to improve the world in any way. You see, most of the people trying to improve the world don’t really accomplish anything, so why not just cut to the chase? Our top-notch program at the SFM includes core classes in Pre-Emptive Nuclear Strike Doctrine, Election-Rigging, Misinformation Literacy, Trench Warfare, and Counter-Counterterrorism. We also have a bunch of cute, tight-knit traditions that we’re just getting off the ground: Saturday night seances with Napoleon Bonaparte, custom engraved SFM skulls-of-your-enemies mugs, and an adorable new Corp-run knife-fighting dojo.
Candidates for the School of Foreign Malice can expect to take a brief entrance exam, which requires geographic and historical knowledge, critical reading skills, and compliance with the Milgram Experiment.
If this doesn’t sound like the place for you, that’s okay. You can recommend a friend! This might be the perfect place for your buddy who eagerly looks forward to consulting work with weapons manufacturers, or your acquaintance whose takeaway from A Christmas Carol was that Ebenezer Scrooge had the right idea, or your classmate in Problem of God who’s constantly, lovingly, marking up her notebook with little drawings of Niccolo Machiavelli encircled in hearts.
Top post-graduation industries for the SFM are expected to include the international arms trade, organized crime, and employment with the International Criminal Court (defense law only).
And for the students who remain in the School of Foreign Service by choice, you can soon have peace of mind. No longer will you have to hear inane opinions on Afghanistan from IPOL freshmen; no longer will you have to endure epithets like “war criminal” hurled at you in public. Every one of you will get an editorial position at the Journal of International Affairs, and the ICC will never again run out of coffee, and you will for your exceptional purity of heart physically transcend to a higher celestial realm. There are no downsides to the University’s new plan, except contingent, collateral risks to international rule of law, the conscience of humanity, and the world’s population of able-bodied 18 to 35-year-olds, none of which are important enough to warrant comment. Transfer today!
