WAR IS PEACE FREEDOM IS SLAVERY IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH TRY OUR APPLE DANISHES It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen. Wait, sorry, never mind. It was a bright cold day in November, and the clocks were striking nine, and I awoke with the dull, miserable headache of a […]

Joy Upon Joys! For a semester and a half, I have lain in wait! I have assembled my navy and consolidated my plan of attack! At long last, on April Third in the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand Twenty-Two, all my hopes and all my efforts have come to fruition in the Intramural Battleship […]

Welcome back to The Heckler’s Dear Prudence column, where we offer helpful advice to our readers’ dilemmas. Dear Prudence, HELP! I’m not sure how this happened, but I’m pretty sure I’m getting recruited into the new GUSA administration. See, the thing is, I don’t know Wolfe or anything, but I was in Leavey last Sunday […]

TUESDAY – ONE HUNDRED SECONDS TO MIDNIGHT The Heckler: Good afternoon, readers. Today I’m interviewing the brainchild behind Midnight MUG’s new round of bland yet inexplicably ominous reopening posters – a new hire at the Corp marketing department called – uh, I think it was “Strangelove?” Dr. Strangelove, SFS ’23: Yes, Herr Interviewer, zat’s correct. […]

The Heckler is proud to present a very special interview with local professional Hawthorn Vlad von Staub, Vampire Hunter. We know our readership is very invested in staying safe from all manner of vampires, dhampirs, shtrigas, vrykolakas, counts, bats, patasolas, jiangshi, and other fanged menaces. Our interviewer ended up discussing modern vampirology, TikTok’s role in […]

TUESDAY – Georgetown has yet to release the names of the 2 students (originally 3 students (originally 4 students (originally 5 students))) who succumbed to hypothermia while trying to find their way to Trader Joe’s last weekend. Witnesses report that they are “shocked” by the discovery of their campsite in Whitehaven Community Garden, with two […]

It’s time for me to say what we’ve all been thinking: what have the Romans done for us? The Senatus Collegii Georgiopolitani has been marred for years with mismanagement of public money, petty power-seeking, and a complete failure to prosecute the war in Gaul. We, the students of Georgetown University, have been without bread OR […]

Have you ever sat down and thought to yourself – hm, the world has a little too much peace! Have you been nodding in agreement at the recent uptick in students discussing how to best militarize the Arctic, or praising Vladimir Putin, or strolling through Leo’s flanked by bodyguards? Do you long for the good […]

WE HAD BEEN UP ALL NIGHT STUDYING, my friends and I, beneath mosque lamps whose brass cupolas are bright as our souls, because like them we were illuminated by the internal glow of electric hearts. And trampling underfoot our native sloth, we literally trampled underfoot the pavement in our truly avant-garde quest to walk down […]

Traditions Day was last week, and we still have absolutely no idea what to make of the mysterious man spotted playing a fiddle on the roof of White-Gravenor, nor what he’s supposed to convey, indicate, or symbolize. He did not respond to our pleas to “get down, please, that’s not a flat roof, you’re going […]