It’s time for me to say what we’ve all been thinking: what have the Romans done for us? The Senatus Collegii Georgiopolitani has been marred for years with mismanagement of public money, petty power-seeking, and a complete failure to prosecute the war in Gaul. We, the students of Georgetown University, have been without bread OR circuses for months. Therefore, when I heard about a referendum to abolish the GUSA Senate, I was interested. In my opinion, there is only one student capable of leading us as an institution: Gaius Julius Caesar (SFS 78 BCE).
I, for one, remember the good old days when the GUSA Presidency was headed by Tiberius Gracchus (COL 141 BCE), who actually cared about student-plebeians, and who broke the power of the Georgetown patrician aristocracy through his land redistribution program. I got my own plot of land on the third floor of White-Gravenor, and filled it with many raised garden beds, and grew vegetables, and could as paterfamilias support my lovely family back in New South, and – actually, come to think of it, there was never a land redistribution program; I was just doing that and never got discovered.
In any event, the GUSA First Triumvirate will be a welcome change to our current student administration. People opposed to this plan warn of “democratic backsliding” and “imperialism” and “the Ides of March” – however, consider this: that’s only a problem if there’s a functioning democracy to backslide away from! Only 20% of the student body cared enough about the government to vote in the GUSA Restructuring Referendum, which, although hilarious, is not exactly a sign of civic engagement. The GUSA Senate already issues censures against any courageous student that-
[THE FOLLOWING HAS BEEN REDACTED ON GROUNDS OF STATE SUBVERSION AND INSENSITIVITY TOWARDS THE EFFORTS OF OUR FEARLESS POLITICIANS]
Uh, sorry, what was I saying? Oh right, Caesar. As we all know, the GUSA Senate is exactly like the Roman Senate in its ability to set coinage, appoint student-dictators by commission during emergencies, and maintain a sphere of influence in the Mediterranean. I think that we should recognize that we are in a veritable Crisis of the Republic – no, not COVID, of course not; I mean the lack of competent baristas in every Corp location – and, rather than fighting the tide of progress, embrace it! No more rule by a small aristocratic oligarchy! Expansion of citizenship now! Eliminate 1/4th of all student debt! Get a new calendar! Annex Portugal! Build a gigantic temple to Mars just beyond the new hospital and sacrifice anyone who complains! S.P.Q.R.! S.P.Q.R.! S.P.Q.R.!