Op-ed by Clovis P. Butterworth and Dani Ardor, former graduate student in psychology and current May Queen of the Hårga 

**All opinions stated in this article most definitely reflect the opinions of the Heckler editorial board.

Winter is coming up and people say it’s cuffing season. I disagree. The only person you should be cuffing is your emotionally unavailable ex, especially if he’s resisting your attempts to stuff him into a dead bear in rural Sweden, throw the corpse into a wooden temple, and set the place on fire.

That’s right. This cuffing season is all about self-love. Society tells women they need a partner to be “whole,” but for me, the holidays are all about self-love and being in tune with my emotions.

And if my boyfriend is ignoring my emotional needs, naturally, my emotional needs are going to tell me that I need to travel to Hälsingland in an attempt to save my relationship, participate in a series of pagan rituals during midsummer, and stuff him into a dead bear as part of a Hårgan ritual before immolating the place and moving in with the cult.

Now before you accuse me of being “too extreme” or say “Holy fuck Dani, you can’t just brutally murder someone and join a cult to cope with a breakup,” I would also like you to know that Christian was not only emotionally distant, he was talking shit about me to his friends AND he cheated on me with this bitch named Maja.

Tell me, what would you have done if you were in my place? I know you’re judging me, but would you actually have acted differently if there was a disemboweled bear in front of you and a shitty boyfriend by your side?

Ladies, don’t settle for less. You deserve someone who loves and cares for you, and is attuned to your emotional needs. If he doesn’t treat you like a queen, treat him to an eternal, fiery sleep in the corpse of a bear.