AN OPEN LETTER FROM PRESIDENT JOHN J. DEGIOIA TO THE GEORGETOWN COMMUNITY:

Hear ye, hear ye, you fucking runts! 

We know what you’re up to. You don’t think we catch you entitled little shits smuggling water bottles into Lau? We see everything. More specifically, our underpaid and overworked security guards see everything.

How dare you violate our lazy and ill-conceived policies! COVID is no laughing matter! You think we’re fucking around? HAH! Henceforth, we’re poisoning every beverage receptacle that passes through Lau’s grotesque concrete arches. And before it crosses your teeny little brains—no: we won’t detoxify anything. Live with it; stop asking for favors. 

I’ll personally drop a tablet of cyanide in every goddamned Hydro Flask on this god-forsaken campus to send the message. Your health and safety is our top priority. 

Watch yo’self,

John