In advance of their upcoming hiring season, the esteemed Georgetown University Agricultural Social Club & Farmers Union (who for some reason run the campus’s student-run banking and credit services) have created a demographic report on their Fall 2021 recruitment and hiring cycle. The report details a demographic breakdown of what communities GUASFCU’s newest tellers, schemers, and other unpaid goons represent of Georgetown’s fine campus. The internal report, recently uncovered and released by the finest investigative reporters here at The Georgetown Heckler, reveals some startling truths about one of Georgetown’s most exclusive campus organizations. Here is our summary: 

White: This one is not a shocker. GUASFCU is overwhelmingly caucasian! 88% of new hires reported waking up feeling like they should get some “brekky” this morning and 72% said to “get those chips away from me!” when offered a bag of potato chips. 43% think Jennifer Aniston is the most interesting woman in the world. 

Polo Watchers: Interestingly, one of the uniting characteristics of GUASFCU’s new hires is that they love to watch the extremely accessible equestrian sport of polo. At least 8% of the surveyed population reported owning a horse named “Nixon” as a child. 

Gold-Hoarding Leprechaun: 23% of GUASCFU’s newest tellers present a danger to society. These creatures, known as Leprechauns, come alive and may shred, tear, beat, and consume innocent passersby in the Leavey Center if they do not sign up for GUASFCU’s hot new credit card deal which can only be canceled by meeting the teller at the end of a rainbow. 

Koch Brother: At least one 1% of the newest members of GUASFCU is the ghost of David Koch, according to the report. Charles hopes to join in one of the future recruitment cycles, although he is currently still alive. 

Cardboard Cut Out Named Josh: One GUASFCU new hire surveyed self-reported as a cardboard cut-out named “Josh.” Josh doesn’t say much but according to his superiors, is an “absolute rockstar.” While this may seem strange, The Heckler has found that at least 3% of The Corp and 11% of Blue and Gray also identify themselves as cardboard cut-outs.