TUESDAY – ONE HUNDRED SECONDS TO MIDNIGHT
The Heckler: Good afternoon, readers. Today I’m interviewing the brainchild behind Midnight MUG’s new round of bland yet inexplicably ominous reopening posters – a new hire at the Corp marketing department called – uh, I think it was “Strangelove?”
Dr. Strangelove, SFS ’23: Yes, Herr Interviewer, zat’s correct. Zey put me in charge of designing ze posters. I vas a barista at first, but zey kept saying, Herr Strangelove, stop drawing ze mushroom cloud designs in ze students’ lattes – ach, alien hand syndrome can be a bitch sometime-ss. So zey demoted me to ze advertisements.
Your trusty investigative journalist at the Heckler: Right. So can you explain your design for the recent Midnight Mug reopening poster? I mean, the clock, the date, the minimalist design – it’s a little foreboding!
Dr. Strangelove: Of course, Herr Heckler. So zis design is of course based on ze atomic doomsday clock, ze one where if it ever counts down to midnight ze world is destroyed in nuclear war! And, natürlich, is a pun on ze name of ze coffeeshop – you see, our establishment is open past midnight, it is called Midnight MUG, und-
Your intelligent, phenomenally sexy, universally-beloved journalist at the Heckler: I know what Midnight MUG is, we’re standing in it right now. Are you telling me the poster is forecasting nuclear armageddon?
Dr. Strangelove: Mein Heckler, zat’s just jumping to conclusions!
Your responsible, Armageddon-averting journalist at the Heckler: Then what’s the date supposed to be? Midnight doesn’t have a discrete date, last I checked.
Dr. Strangelove: Ah, February 8, zat’s ven ve’re destroying ze welt in ze nuclear armageddon.
The Heckler: Uh … right. Okay. So you’re like, actually destroying the world.
Dr. Strangelove: Ja! I took ze shuttle bus down to ze Capitol Hill and convinced your leaders to detonate nukes along ze Ukrainian-Russian border! Expect to hear ze air-raid sirens in ze next half-hour!
The Heckler: Okay, what the fuck are we supposed to do with this information?
Dr. Strangelove: Ze bunker is set up underneath Lau 1! Ve have a supercomputer planning zis out – ten women to each man, a cross-section of ze necessary skills. Zis vas ze Corp’s plan all along – hire ze superior students at Georgetown, und use zem to repopulate the earth!
The Heckler: Okay but I –
Dr. Strangelove: Zere is no need for distress, Herr journalist; for the rest of you ve are bringing back ze hazelnut lattes und ze croissants; you can watch ze end of the world from ze windows in Lau 2. Ve vill have ze little Post-It note board so you can record your last thoughts for ze Corp-übermenschen to read in five hundred years, und ve will play your favorite musics when ze apocalypse comes.
The Heckler: But I-Dr. Strangelove: Stop worrying! Learn to love the Corp!