So your Valentine’s Day plans went out the window. He’s emotionally unavailable, or worse, he’s “too worried about Ukraine to text back.” Whatever it is, we see you girl! Straight women have been dealing with this bull since the beginning of time. This Valentine’s Day, let’s take a look back at the ladies of Greco-Roman myth and how they violently dealt with their own trash men.
Turn His Men Into Pigs
When Odysseus and his lousy soldiers rudely invaded her private island, the sorceress Circe didn’t just lie down and take it. She simply wined and dined them and turned them into swine. This Valentine’s Day, why not take your revenge and turn your ex into his true form: a pig!
Turn Him Into A Stag and Set His Hunting Dogs On Him
If he invaded your privacy, like Actaeon did to the goddess Artemis when he “accidentally” saw her bathing, you should reciprocate. Forget the sitcom trope of “you saw me naked so now I get to see you naked.” Instead, do it like the goddess of the hunt. Transform him into a stag and let him be ripped to shreds by fifty of his own hounds! Fair is fair!
Feed Him a Rock
If he’s always eating your food, he might have something in common with Cronos, who famously ate all of his children. If you, like Rhea, are sick of bearing children that he’ll just eat, or you’re sick of making Trader Joe’s runs for him, take your revenge by feeding him a rock. He definitely won’t be able to tell the difference.
Make Him Fall In Love With His Own Reflection
Some guys will never love you the way they love themselves. Narcissus would have rather let Echo die than acknowledge her, but he had all the time in the world to stare at his reflection. If you lead him to a peaceful glen and show him his reflection in a pond, he’ll be happy to sit and stare at his own face until he wastes away.
Do Any Of the Vengeful Shit Hera Did
Zeus left his wife, Hera, for younger, hotter women countless times. In response, Hera wreaked havoc on her husband’s girlfriends and their offspring. She turned Io into a cow, cursed Leto to be pregnant forever, drove Heracles to kill his family, tricked Semele into burning alive, and threw her own son Hephaestus off Mount Olympus. If your ex left you for someone else, why not try any of these reasonable responses?
Kill His Children
If none of these satiate your appetite for revenge, there’s always the nuclear option. Medea betrayed her family and killed her own brother in order to protect, marry, and start a family with Jason. He repaid her by leaving her for some princess. Medea responded prudently and validly: she killed Jason’s new fianceé, murdered Jason’s children, and left Jason alive to suffer the loss of his entire family. Your ex deserves the same, probably.
Happy Valentine’s Day from the Heckler!