Straight from the desk of the newly-elected GUSA executives:

Our administration is looking for someone to give the all-clear on our loads of incoming fan mail! 

We all know that COVID-19 doesn’t affect people. Our pre-med freshmen have told us that anthrax similarly has no effect. There’s no hypothetical question about hypothetical safety. It’s just that our president’s orifices are too presidential to waste their time with love letters!

The ideal candidate:

• Only wears a mask if it is on top of their head, like a late 19th-century bonnet
• Has to be able to carry around our presidential things in their mouth like a dog
• Realistically, wouldbewillingtolaydowntheirlifeforus 

And if no one feels particularly inclined to come forward and take the position right now, we encourage you to reconsider. We always have a finger on the ‘nuclear football’— the budget for every single club on campus. One word from us and Hoyas for Life owns all of your souls.