Local rolling backpack boy— Benjamin Johnston, NHS ‘25— laughs in the face of your offer of a sensual back massage. “What a ridiculous offer! Both of my scapulae are in immaculate condition! Why are you putting your hand on my thigh?”

He may not understand personal intimacy, but keep in mind: Ben has never once stood with a slouch. What makes you any better than him?

With Ben’s rolling backpack, he walks at a tall, handsome 6 feet and three inches. His hard, six-pack abs have developed uninhibited, without the added weight of textbooks pulling at his torso at every hour of the day. Put simply, he’s an Adonis. Yet, he’s also the forbidden fruit, a guilty pleasure, the impossible dream.

His insufferable ambition and attention to self-care has certainly gotten in the way of his love life in the past. His insistence on 10 hours of sleep a night takes up too much time for a significant other— and cuddling is absolutely off the table. Ben sleeps only in the most optimized position to ensure the maintenance of his comfort, sleep quality, and ease of breathing.

This is by no means an indictment of young Benjamin. After all, we all have our own unique priorities. I, for one, once spent an entire evening trying to tame an armadillo. Normal? No. Worthwhile? You tell me: Doesn’t having an armored creature traipsing around your dorm sound like the best security system ever?