NEW YORK — A string of recent killings in New York City’s financial district are believed to be connected, said NYPD representative Wilson Garcia, this morning. The suspect is a wolf, believed to have been displaced from Upstate by increased urbanization and climate change.

The first attack occurred last Monday, at approximately 10:47 AM in the offices of Goldman Sachs. The victim, Derek Byrd, was a recent graduate of Dartmouth College where he majored in economics and was on the men’s varsity lacrosse team. Byrd’s father, who is also employed at Goldman, said “While we are incredibly saddened at the devastating news, my family, my company, and my community are fully prepared to take every measure necessary to ensure justice is done in this case.”

Other victims include Jessica Fox, who worked at JPMorgan Chase, in addition to Mark Talbot and Harold Cranes, both employed at Chase Coleman’s Tiger Global hedge fund. 

Said NYPD’s Garcia, “While we do not believe the killings were targeted in any way, we have reason to believe that the victims’ use of cocaine may have triggered the wolf’s instincts, and led to this unspeakable tragedy. The NYPD formally implores all investment bankers, and New Yorkers-at-large, to suspend use of narcotics immediately.”

As a result, increased police activity is expected throughout the city’s financial district, including the presence of ten animal control units. Yet, as wildlife is being dislocated from their natural habitat, it may take a broader coalition to restore safety.

The NYPD Crime Stoppers Program is offering $3,500 for anonymous information provided to the 800-577-TIPS hotline that leads to an arrest in regards to the aforementioned incidents.