Welcome back to The Heckler’s Dear Prudence column, where we offer helpful advice to our readers’ dilemmas.
Dear Prudence,
HELP! I’m not sure how this happened, but I’m pretty sure I’m getting recruited into the new GUSA administration. See, the thing is, I don’t know Wolfe or anything, but I was in Leavey last Sunday and accidentally crashed into this guy, sending several bottles of Ibuprofen scattering everywhere. I’m apologizing, he’s apologizing, turns out his roommate’s got a bad hangover and a midterm tomorrow. I consider myself, uh, not a friend, but definitely a seasoned professional binge drinker, so I suggested him some stuff that might help, like – wait, actually, I dunno if I can mention these anymore, I guess they’re state secrets now.
Well, anyway, Wolfe showed up in my dorm the next day. Turns out my hangover tricks worked GREAT. Worked too well, actually. He’s offering me a spot as an advisor in the new GUSA administration! He’s convinced I’m the “Rasputin of Washington D.C.!” He introduced me at the last GUSA meeting as “our government’s new muzhik-healer” from “the remote imperial province of New Jersey!” Prudie, this makes no sense! I’ve barely interacted with Wolfe until now. I didn’t vote for him – my vote, obviously, went to the only decent choice, Herat/Edwards. I don’t know if I can keep this “magical healer” act up any longer. And besides, wasn’t Rasputin like, a zombie wizard that got murdered, or something? I barely know anything about the guy besides Anastasia and that one Boney M. song. What do I do???
– Not Russia’s Greatest Love Machine
Dear NRGLM,
Congratulations on the promotion! As The Heckler’s ethicist-in-chief, I can only recommend that you keep lying. You’ve been handed on a platter what every email scammer, alternative medicine quack, and politician can only dream of: the complete credulity of people who should know better! You would be remiss not to milk this opportunity for everything it’s worth. I would recommend an immediate conversion to Orthodox Christianity, some serious time hitting the books at the Lau Russian History section this weekend to better play the part, some quick makeup tricks to look just a little more unhinged, and a couple of goons to follow around Wolfe’s roommate for a while, swapping out all his drinks for less alcoholic lookalikes. You’ve been given the trust of the student body on this, and it’s your job to abuse it. If you’re worried impostor syndrome might get in the way of effectively being an impostor, I recommend you start morning mindfulness sessions and a set of daily affirmations, maybe something like “I am enough. I deserve to be here. My mental health matters. I do have magic powers. I would, theoretically, be able to cure a child’s hemophilia. I am immune to poison.” Good luck!
– Prudence
Dear Prudence,
I was recently elected President of GUSA, and while I thought I’d be happy about it, I think it’s putting some stress on my romantic life. I’ve been going steady with my girlfriend for a while now, but I think she might be cheating on me. She spends way too much time hanging around members of my cabinet, especially that guy I recruited as my personal advisor. Every time I ask about it, she just evades the question. Do I have reason to be concerned?
– Tsar Wolfe (just trying out some new titles. It sure sounds cool, doesn’t it?)
Dear Wolfe,
That sounds tough. I recommend taking your mind off it, maybe? Go intervene in a war, that’ll give you something else to focus on!
– Prudence
Dear Prudence,
What should I do about all the health misinformation spreading around campus? I have no idea where it’s all coming from! It’s literally my job to communicate health and safety protocols to students, so I’m really taken aback by all the blatantly false things people have started to believe now. Multiple people have emailed me to ask if holy water really cures food poisoning. I just passed a bunch of robed students self-flagellating because “it protects you from COVID.” There’s this … cult? Or something? Going around, and it’s called the Khlysty and everyone wants to join it. I can’t believe I’m explaining to twentysomethings in the NHS that hypnotism won’t cure lethal internal bleeding! This can’t possibly be responsible behavior with a pandemic going on. What do I do?
– Dr. Ranit Mishori
Dear Ranit,
It’s that Rasputin guy, Wolfe’s friend. You should kill him. Maybe get the rest of the Public Health staff together and invite him to a banquet and poison his drinks. That’ll work! If not, bring a revolver.- Prudence