- “Please Fuck the Onion Rings”
When I saw this instruction on somebody’s Johnny Rockets order, I could hardly believe my eyes. Of course, I would never “fuck” an onion ring, that’s just crass. I was in such disbelief that I went to tell my neighbor, Jasper, about it and he couldn’t stop laughing! All he would say is “Dangnabbit that’s funny!” I, of course, would respond, “No it isn’t” but there was no convincing him. Jasper was sold.
- “Come in”
No. I would never just come into somebody’s home with their food. That’s a ridiculous request that is simultaneously above my pay grade and below it. I don’t deserve the honor of stepping into my customer’s home, but I also would never walk that far, especially if they have one of those tricky doorknobs. This was a perfect fit for Jasper because, as I am qualified to tell you as his neighbor, breaking and entering is kind of his “thing” so to speak.
- “Spit in one of the soups but don’t tell us which one”
Yuck! The absolutely foul things some people do to get their kicks, the ridiculous lengths folks reach towards to get their rocks off. Frankly, I would have been happy to oblige had I not been wary of DNA sampling. Instead, I went to Jasper’s house so he could do it for me but he made me aware that 70% of his bodily fluids are officially designated biohazards and I didn’t want the legal trouble. I had to fight the soup out of Jasper’s hands, though, and I hear he delivers food in the area hoping for the opportunity to come up again.
- “Please don’t carry the pizza boxes the wrong way, all the toppings fall off when you do that and it is disgusting”
Yes, I drive a Vespa when I deliver food and no it usually isn’t a problem. Sometimes though, little snobs don’t want me to pile up their pizzas vertically in the back of my Vespa as I ride free through the back trails. Jasper said he would have no problem with this, however, as he always sits on 3 pizza boxes to see out the front of the car anyways.