GEORGETOWN, MARCH 2022 – Hooray! At long last, it seems like COVID is finally coming to an end. We’ve all been vaccinated, and now indoor mask mandates are being lifted across the country — even in DC. All I can say is, what a relief! No more shall we ever have to worry about bringing a mask with us when we leave our homes, no more shall we have to be uncomfortable and feel our hot breath on our noses! The age of masks is long gone, and now I can finally show off my sick chin tat. It says “Heckler + Caravel 4Eva,” because I love my idiot himbo boyfriend, the Caravel. Oh, what a time to be alive!

Soon – perhaps as soon as summer – masks will be a distant memory, something you find in a coat pocket every once in a while and say, “Hey, that’s crazy – I’d totally forgotten about that! What a crazy two years!” I am absolutely certain that now, March 2022, is the last time I will ever have to wear a mask in public. COVID is defeated! It will never come back! It will never come back! It will ne-