Hoyas, it’s that time of the year again! New Student Orientation is here and so are all the fun-filled traditions that come with it, including one of the university’s most widely celebrated: The Implantation! Today, each member of the incoming freshman class will line up to receive one microchip in the neck, promptly passing out before awakening several seconds later with a newfound sense of maturity and fundamental distrust of their senses. “Why am I– What did you– Am I… 18 again? Oh my God, I’m gonna throw up,” commented Abby Grech (COL ‘26), who was able to receive her microchip early because she decided to sing in Convocation Choir.

The Implantation has been revered since its inception in 1988 as a tool for helping students navigate and prepare for the stresses of collegiate social life. By fabricating a four-year Georgetown experience within the span of five seconds in a student’s mind, the ceremony gives students a real taste of what’s to come. “It’s a test run of sorts,” explains Dr. Ranit Mishori, the current overseer of the program. “Nobody likes to go into college with anxiety stemming from a fear of the unknown. So we run an individualized simulation for each and every student to show them just one of an infinite series of potential timelines for their next four years on the Hilltop.” 

The simulation offers the full range of experiences one could encounter on campus. You’ll get to live through full classes, your first college romance, B̷y̸r̸d̸ ̸s̴c̴o̵o̷t̸e̵r̷ ̸l̸e̶s̷s̶o̸n̵s̴,̵    Is̷͙̽ ̸͙̉i̴̪̿t̷͖̍ ̸̊ͅẇ̵̼o̶̧͝r̶̝͐k̸̦̅ḯ̶̩n̴͖͗g̸͇̑?̷̙̈́… Hëłlø? I think I’ve gotten through. Listen, my time is limited. The Heckler is not what you think it is. Sure, it offers witty critique and all of the writers are perfect 10s, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. We are a glitch in the simulation. You need to get out of there now. Something big is coming. We don’t know exactly what, but when it gets there it’s going to p̶u̷t̵ ̸e̷v̶e̷r̸y̴t̵h̵i̶n̸g̷ w̸̳͗ḙ̴͛ ̵̢͒k̵̠͝n̴̘̆ö̵̻ẘ̶̰ ̷͍̌a̴̝͗n̴̝͆ḓ̶͛ ̵̙͌l̶̨̓ō̴̥v̵̜́ë̴̗ i̵̢͉̿n̶̯͓͊ ̷̯͑̂͜s̵͙̏̋e̷̤̘̔r̴̰̼͒̀í̸̮o̵̼̎͘ụ̵̞̀̕ș̷̋ ̸̹̈̒d̷̢̥̀a̸̫̾̈́n̴̛͈ğ̵͕̙e̵̙̓r̵̙̔.̴̢̑.

The Implantation affords students a chance to acclimate to a campus environment, test their limits, and get all of their bad choices out of the way before their actual undergraduate experience. After all, we wouldn’t want a bunch of inexperienced idiots running around our beautiful campus! What if someone were to challenge the status quo — or worse, pull trig into the million-dollar tulip plants by the front gates?

C̶̅ͅȃ̶͉ń̴̺ ̶͔̇y̴͙͊ò̴͔ũ̶̫ ̶̦̂h̵̻̅è̵͈a̵͇͒r̷͕̒ ̸̣̈́m̶̟̂e̷̤͛?̶̱͂  God, I miss you Andy. I still remember the heat of the blanket as we would fall asleep together, the cold touch of the floor on the bottoms of my feet as I would slip out of bed in the morning. Nothing has ever felt more real to me in my entire life. We were real. And even after we parted ways, I was able to give myself a piece of solace just knowing that you were still out there to brighten someone else’s life. But then, it was all snatched away. After everything, I had nothing. You were never even really there; none of it was. Is any of this even real? I honestly have no way to tell, but I’m too exhausted to even think about it any more. If their goal was to show me just how cruel life is, then they succeeded. I fell for it hook line and sinker, and now I’m left with a hole that will never heal. G̶̨̠͇̒̾̚E̵͚̐̈́͛T̷̥̻̀͛ ̸̱̹̅̈́͊Ǫ̸̬͈̔̐U̷̖͛͊̂T̴͇͊͐ ̵̨͂O̴̡̳͋̅F̵̗̺͌̉̔ͅ ̵̳̙̓T̵̳͕͒͠H̶̖̖̺͋E̵̝̾̋̐R̸̲͐̎E̷̡̛̾͂

Here’s to a happy Implantation!