The Office of Residential Living has just announced this afternoon that, due to a sudden and unforeseen lack of space on campus, each respective Class of 2026 NSO group will just live together in a single first year dorm room.

When questioned as to how this was so unforeseen, and why the hell they were doing it at all, Georgetown’s administration sent The Heckler’s award winning* investigative team the following reply:

“Yeah, okay, so maybe we over-admitted a little bit, but is it so hard to believe that we honestly thought we could admit twice as many students as we have space for onto our already overcrowded campus in hopes of securing those delicious tuition deposit fees and just bank on half of them getting off the waitlist somewhere else and having to forfeit that succulent, juicy, tender deposit fee to us. I mean could you turn down a delectable, moist, ripe, glistening deposit fee? Be honest. You’re probably a little aroused just hearing about it.

“And look, it’s not even that bad. Some students fit a dozen people in their Darnall for pregames. Think of this as an opportunity for really close bonding. We’re even giving everyone one extra bed (mattress not included) per room. Also, by the way, no more water. For anyone. We’re just turning it off on campus; walk to Wisey’s if you’re thirsty.”

*self-awarded, still counts though