As Georgetown’s class of 2026 begins to find their home on campus, first-year students have had to meet the challenges of independent living for the first time. Without doting caretakers ready to listen to and accommodate their child’s every qualm, new students have yearned for another outlet to vent their frustrations to. The campus Department of Facilities Planning & Management has received a surge of new work request tickets in recent weeks and reportedly lacks the expertise to fulfill them all. After an exclusive interview with the department’s senior leadership team, The Heckler has compiled a shortlist of the most pressing and complex facilities requests from the Class of 2026.
“The maid didn’t show up this morning to clean my room, and hasn’t been here all week! I have even discovered a light cover of dust on one of my shelves… someone needs to be held accountable!” – Samantha M. (NHS ’26)
“Last Friday night between the hours of 1:00-2:00 AM there seemed to be a loud and repeated banging sound coming from the walls. When I asked the resident in the neighboring room if he had heard anything, his face got really red and he ran away. Weird, right?” – Benjamin P. (MSB ’26)
“My pet goldfish has had a difficult time adjusting to the PH of the tap water from the Darnall 3 bathroom. Would it be possible to have it adjusted to somewhere in the range of 7.6-7.8? Otherwise, 20 gallons of Essentia water will suffice. Thank you in advance.” – Alex G. (SFS ’26)
“Club soccer tryouts have been happening on Cooper Field for the last few nights at around 9:00 PM. Unfortunately, the brightness of the stadium lights and loud noises coming from the pitch has made it impossible to study in my Harbin dorm. I have already submitted two assignments late because of this issue. I humbly ask that these tryouts be rescheduled for a more reasonable time. I leave my room Mondays and Wednesdays between 12:00-2:00 PM, thank you.” – Kerry T. (COL ’26)
“[URGENT] New South 3 bathroom. Please send 4-6 staff members at the very least. Ideally wearing hazmat suits… for their sake.” – Jack Q. (SFS ’26)