This semester, GPB has officially offered a pinky promise to all students that they will host a single event that can be deemed “thoroughly enjoyable” by even a single student. The bold claim comes after general disappointed acceptance regarding the organization’s role on campus in past semesters. “We weally weally pwomise dat we will do ouw bestest” said GPB president Michael Parker.

Parker offered some ideas for events this semester that he thinks will grab students’ attention and get them feeling at least content, perhaps even glad. These events include breaking down cardboard, flicking the light switches in White Gravenor, wearing hats, and oiling the wok at 5Spice.

When asked for more information on how GPB was planning on fulfilling this “pinky promise” The Heckler was met with an email saying that the pinky promise was canceled due to COVID concerns.

UPDATE: Michael Parker was recently found drinking the coolant from the air conditioning units in Walsh and has since been transferred to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center where he has been peeling paint off the walls and rubbing it into his eyeballs.