Ever since your mother had her first bite of a Trader Joe’s pumpkin samosa, her life and yours have not been the same. It’s so sad that your mother, who took care of you until you left for college, is so preoccupied by Trader Joe’s pumpkin flavoured foods that she no longer picks up the phone when you call to ask how to handwash your brand-new sport coat. What can she say? She loves the smell and taste of pumpkin, and the way she can make a one-stop shop at her favourite grocery store to pick up pumpkin-flavoured foods. In fact, this week she exclusively bought pumpkin flavoured foods: Pumpkin Waffles, Sweet & Savory Pumpkin Spread, Pumpkin Spice Hummus, Pumpkin Maple Bacon Flavored Stuffies Dog Treats, Creamy Cashew Pumpkin Spice Yogurt Alternative…

Your mother has taken to sweeping the house with the tiny miniature cinnamon broom that you can get at the front of the store (you guys have a Roomba at home so she really doesn’t need to dust!) Your father is sick to his stomach from pumpkin, bless him, but he won’t say a word because this is the happiest she’s been in years. It is fall time and your mother is soaking in bath after bath of pumpkin spice syrup to wash away the years of having to share a home with you. Yes, your mother is taking a pumpkin culinary trip around the world from the comfort of her kitchen, and it’s the only solace she has ever had since giving birth to your grubby ass.

You piece of shit. You did this to her.