NEW SOUTH – New freshman Hannah McDermont (COL ‘26) was in for a shock this past weekend when her mild attempt to drop one section of Problem of God and, simultaneously, add a different section of Problem of God ended in eternal damnation for the Floridian linguistics major. “I guess I just don’t know what I did to deserve this?” Hannah meekly asked The Heckler in our interview. Hannah has yet to find an answer.

The Heckler interviewed Regi Willis, head of the NewAccess portal “upgrade” to get to the bottom of Hannah’s case. “Well maybe she should have thought of this before she tried to do all that mumbo-jumbo,” said Regi, “I mean, we are computer scientists not wizards, how the hell are we supposed to process both those requests at the same time. “It is ironic though,” Regi continued, “I just said we are not wizards but I guess maybe we kind of are, haha.” The Heckler has reached out to the University for a comment but has been rejected because “The university does not concern itself with demonic happenings.”