So I’ve been hearing a lot about the upcoming elections and have come to understand how critical the 2022 midterms are to ensuring the preservation of the liberties and values I enjoy as an American. I’ve spent countless hours researching the various candidates on my ballot and have greatly enjoyed learning about which candidates will represent my interests best to the governing bodies of this country. I have reached such firm conclusions ahead of Election day that I am determined to make sure my voice is heard loud and clear in our democracy—that’s why I’m going to vote twice!
Historically, voting more than once is a pretty frowned-upon activity. But, in my case, there are a few exceptions that I think should be taken into consideration. This is the first election I have been of legal voting age. Essentially, for the last 18 years, I have been denied this important civil liberty against my will. Thus, by casting multiple votes this year, I’m essentially making up for lost ground. Furthermore, I clearly know more about politics than most people. Rather than letting these dummies determine the future of the country, isn’t it better that I should—after all, is there anyone else that factored in a candidate’s favorite foods into their decision-making process? Finally, I am aware that many of my friends are neglecting to cast their ballots this year because they forgot to request an absentee ballot, or are otherwise too lazy. To help them out, I am ready to go around and ask them for their preferences, and cast votes on their behalf (with a few slight alterations to match my preferences, of course).
Many have asked how I plan to pull off this tremendous feat of voting more than once. The plan is simple, my dear reader. I will take advantage of every opportunity possible! My fake ID that is peeling apart—that’s another eligible voter! Mail-in, drop box, absentee, and in-person are all methods I’ll be happy to utilize to my advantage. Also, since there are fifty fine states in our union, I’m prepared to travel to them all on election day to make sure my voice rings around the country. While I may not have a residence in them all, I’m sure I can find a friend or other willing resident to offer me a local “residence” for a few hours while I go cast my ballot. Totally foolproof!
Most importantly, I hope my feat will send echoes around our cherished democracy and all American citizens—VOTE VOTE VOTE!