Dear Georgetown, 

I’m gonna level with you here, I’m having some money issues and am in dire straits. Since my parents are no longer sending me $2,000 a month to support my lifestyle, I am forced to take drastic measures to ensure I do not starve on the mean streets of Washington DC. 

It would be awful if one day you returned to your dorm, opened the Switch™ App, and no matter how many times you tried, no matter how you moved your lock, no matter how hard you prayed to our shared Jesuit God in Heaven, the door would simply not open. You would get more and more frustrated as the lock continued to grow red, you would scream, you would cry, to no avail, your door would not open. Of course, you would go down to the key room and plead with them to resolve your issue, and they would try mightily to help you with no success. Tragically, all your stuff, your most valuable possessions, would be trapped in your room, and you would have nowhere to sleep. Suddenly, you would find yourself tossing and turning on the hard laminate floor of your friend’s room while you waited for the Georgetown admin to resolve the issue. Eventually, of course, they would call a locksmith, but the locksmith, too, would be met with failure, as no frequency would work to unlock your lock. Eventually, everyone would think it was an act of God punishing you for your sins: your drinking, your smoking, your hookups, your disrespect to your parents, that one time you stole a Snickers from Rite Aid, and all of your other terrible transgressions. 

But really, it was me, a killer at the keyboard, a magician with the mouse, who decreed this fate upon you. You will be condemned to this hell if you do not pay me $20,000 in Bitcoin. You already paid $80,000 to go to Georgetown this year, what’s $20,000 more to ensure your experience is not ruined? To make sure your dreams are not dashed? That getting 2 hours of sleep on your friend’s floor does not make your grades tank, and one day you wake up to a rejection from Joe Biden, telling you your 2.5 GPA is not good enough to intern for him. And you look in the mirror and realize your dream of being the leader of the free world has slipped out of your hands because you did not pay $20,000 to ensure you weren’t locked out of the room. Now you will have to face your parents, your friends, and your snot-nosed little brother as a failure. To avoid this fate, send $20,000 in BTC to the wallet address 7767155619.

Hoya Haxa!