You don’t know him. He doesn’t know you. But you’ve seen him all over campus and on your Pinterest boards. You can’t get him out of your mind. Does he even know you exist? Probably not. Everyone wants him; No one can have him. Alas, wonder no more! We, Hecklers, have taken the liberty to dispatch a correspondent to spend an evening with Georgetown’s foremost expert on high culture.

The conversation began outside of Lau. Although we were supposed to meet on the second floor, our subject quickly realized it was drizzling outside and insisted he did “something cool, like smoke in the rain,” where he proceeded to explain the development of his newfound role as Georgetown’s cultural and artistic tastemaker: “Lau reminds me of the underground warehouse raves I went to in Berlin,” our subject began. “I listen to blasting bass inside a large brutalist building made of concrete and only move my fingers and hands.” 

When I proposed that we move the conversation back inside due to the low temperature, Georgetown’s coolest cat scoffed, explaining that he no longer feels the cold after a two-week bender in the Alps. Although his nipples, visibly erect and protruding through his mesh shirt, indicated the contrary, I knew I didn’t have the social capital to say shit. 

The ensuing half-hour was full of unique insights into the mysterious life of our hero. Not only had he served as creative director for a recently published Spotify playlist, but he had also signed on for a year-long residency at DC’s premier techno nightclub, Flash, as the guy who goes alone and bobs his head in the corner.

Our chat was cut short after I informed him that I did not have cocaine, leaving the vast majority of my remaining questions answered. As I watched him leave to go smoke a cigarette somewhere more people could see him, I couldn’t help but think, “Are those assless chaps? Fuck. That’s so cool…”