“Good ones are typically a few hundred dollars, but that’s only a few cents from everybody’s tuition,” remarks Elliott Walker (COL ‘24) on the price range of dog wheelchairs, which are sets of two wheels mounted to dog harnesses designed to replace the functionality of front or rear limbs. Walker’s fixation on dog wheelchairs stems from his newly-developed fascination with local canine celebrity Crouton, who is best known for roaming Georgetown’s campus with his faculty owners, all while lacking his right rear leg.

His left rear leg, which appears fully functional, is the only thing preventing Crouton from using a dog wheelchair and transforming into a Labrador-Husky-sedan hybrid. This third leg is “useless anyway” and might be “sliced off by this large knife I found last week” if Walker’s promise to convert Crouton into a speed demon is to be kept. “Maybe we can mount some nitrous boosters too,” continues Walker in his spirited ramble, “or maybe a cute little red spoiler right above his tail.” While The Heckler does not condone animal abuse or cruelty in any form, we must admit that it would be pretty rad and, honestly, sick as fuck to see Crouton zooming around on some slick new rubber and chrome.