GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY—After shock flooding in Georgetown’s second-year dorm, Village C West, students were further terrified by what appeared to be the presence of a shark.

“It definitely seems dangerous,” Kasey Rall (CAS ‘26) said when asked her opinion of the shark. “The shark almost bit my roommate’s leg off!” added Ronald Abbot (SFS ‘26).

As students demanded the university get what seemed to be a dangerous predator off campus, Georgetown University College Republicans (GUCR) spoke up in defense of predators. “People say the shark wants to eat humans, but that’s false. The shark only said it was going to ‘eat human meat,’ which doesn’t necessarily mean it wants to eat people, just an essential part of their survival,” said A. Noy Ingprick, president of GUCR.

In response to student complaints that the shark threatened their safety and wellbeing, GUCR countered: “A necessary part of free expression is tolerating speakers that you don’t like, or even find threatening. Disallowing this shark from the VCW floodwaters would turn our campus into an echo chamber for ideas like ‘students deserve to live’ and ‘suffering and death are bad,’ which goes against everything Georgetown stands for as a Catholic institution.”

So far the shark has only eaten three students, which Georgetown’s administration says “actually helped alleviate some housing pressures. So kind of a silver lining when you think about it. #blessingsindisguise”