RED SQUARE — It was a solemn occasion this Tuesday as Red Square filled with mourners for what could have theoretically been a tree on campus. Hosted by Right to Life, the event began with a poignant speech acknowledging that because the acorn looked to be at least 6 weeks old and had the potential to maybe one day germinate and grow into a tree, stepping on it was just as bad as chopping down a beloved tree on Copley Lawn. “It was basically growing leaves,” argued the president of Right to Life, while sadly looking at the open casket of the smashed acorn. What’s worse, the already tragic event stoked campus tensions when it was revealed that the student who stepped on the acorn had just been tabling for Hyas for Choice. “There’s no respect for life from that group,” cried a mourner. “They should be jailed for murder.” We reached out to Hyas for Choice, who issued a brief statement: “Sorry, she just kind of wasn’t looking when she walked away. Also, what the fuck?”