WASHINGTON – Former Vice President Mike Pence announced today that he is prematurely terminating his presidential campaign. After struggling to gain a foothold in the polls, due to what political analysts call “having nothing to offer,” Pence decided against bringing his campaign to a four year term, and will return to his home in Indiana […]

GEORGETOWN – After Georgetown’s Lecture Fund announced an event next Monday featuring a moderated conversation with leaders of The Satanic Temple, Georgetown Catholic Ministry responded by announcing their own counter event: a prayer service. Historically, prayer has offered a very effective solution to many problems in American society: gun violence, natural disasters, and pedophile priests. […]

GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY—After shock flooding in Georgetown’s second-year dorm, Village C West, students were further terrified by what appeared to be the presence of a shark. “It definitely seems dangerous,” Kasey Rall (CAS ‘26) said when asked her opinion of the shark. “The shark almost bit my roommate’s leg off!” added Ronald Abbot (SFS ‘26). As […]

This afternoon, the Office of Planning and Facilities Management sent out an email announcing the demolition of Henle Village was to begin this June. However, the rat who lives in my Henle did not see this message, because he does not have a Georgetown Email. He still uses AOL. Currently my Henle’s rat has no […]

Holy Trinity Elementary School, located just one block from Georgetown’s main campus, has filed an official request with the Cardinal O’Connor Conference, demanding that next year’s conference be hosted at a location at least as far or farther than the distance sex offenders are required to maintain from schools as per federal and district statutes. […]

Oscar Mayer, not Oscar Meyer. Looney Tunes, not Looney Toons. A nuclear family of bears, not an age-play polycule. Everybody experiences this feeling once in a while. Something you were so certain was real—like the powerful polyamorous love shared between four fictional bears—turns out to be only a false memory. I hadn’t thought about the […]

Only 3 years after saying they were creating a Fund (2019), 6 Years after students highlighted and protested Georgetown’s appallingly racist history (2016), and 184 years after brutally enslaving and selling human beings to fund a floundering university (1838), the Georgetown Administration has sent an emailing pledging to begin “a new stage in [their] work […]

Standing alone in the corner of the party with his roommate, Tyler Aswipe (COL ‘24) commented on a few of the female students who were actually socializing with other people. “Nah bro she’s mid” he remarked, blissfully unaware of the more deserved life he would be leading 700 years ago. Called Stable Pox after everyone […]

In a video parodying your seventh grade English teacher’s favorite show, GUASFCU accidentally showed images of 12 account holders’ sensitive financial information, exposing them to potential identity theft, fraud, and more. And revealed that one student (Evan Stinger, MSB ‘25) pays over $600 each month for a daily delivery of a new body-pillow. In defense […]

Declaring she had just broken up with her boyfriend and didn’t give a shit about Valentine’s Day, Klare Rhett (COL ’24) announced to her friends this Thursday that she was in her “Fleabag era.” And after explaining to them that no, that does not mean she has fleas, Rhett’s friends (minus the one whose boyfriend […]