As a Jesuit institution, a miniature model of the crucified Jesus hangs on the classroom walls. But what’s not so miniature is Jesus’s erection looming over the college students who are simply just trying to learn.

Sherry takes stats in Walsh 394, and she said: “It’s just so distracting. I try to pay attention to my prof, but Jesus’s boner keeps sticking out in my peripheral. Then, all class, I gaze up at his package, and in a trance, I faintly sing to myself: Jesus loves me! This I know, as He loved so long ago, taking children on His knee, saying, ‘Let them come to Me.’– I just failed my stats exam…something must be done!” 

Johnny, another student who expressed concerns about the Classroom Jesus, said: “You know, Christians get their panties in a twist when someone doesn’t dress ‘modestly’ or if they aren’t planning on being Virgins 4 Life, but then they make these models of Jesus and he’s absolutely shredded, with a six pack, and a wispy cloth covering only what the imagination can run off with. They really took ‘Leave room for Jesus’ to heart with his horse dick in every classroom.”

Professor Richard, from the theology department, said: “The models of Jesus are not exactly historically accurate. I just don’t think it’s likely that Jesus would be bricked up while being tortured…unless he was into that.”

The weight of Jesus’s penis on the consciousness of the student body must be alleviated. In an attempt to address these concerns, the University plans to modify all the sculptures, statues, and paintings to have boners in the name of equity and inclusion.